| (no subject) |
[Jan. 30th, 2010|12:52 pm] |
When i go through random couple pictures and blog entries declaring/showing their love, I could not help but wonder how can one person love another so much without being selfish. I admit even when i am in a relationship, I am pretty much selfish and I am my own person. To me, when two people are in a relationship, they are not an "us" but simply two people who enjoys each others companion. I have people asking me how i managed to sustain my relationship. At times i do not know the answer but I think I've always treated him like my best friend more than anything else. We have our fair share of fights... maybe more but at the end of the day, I know that if anything happens I am able to stand on my own two feet and not cry.
I am not one to be sad and go on days being in the dumps when breakups happen. I am stubborn and sometimes thinks that being in a relationship will pull me down. I cannot stand public declaration of love and for five years, he has never met my parents officially because I will only do that when I am absolutely sure I am going to marry that guy. I can be ruthless and make guys cry without feeling any emotions at all. I only want to get married after thirty and with all these pre-requisites, I wonder if I am going to get married at all. Though, I am pretty easy love simply because I don't need much attention,
I have never comprehended how to show love. How to be more gentle and sound caring like what a girlfriend is supposed to do. I am pretty much like a guy in that sense, I can love so hard but not show it and I can push someone away without feeling pain. He said it all the time, "You are so much like a guy emotionally. Its hard to figure you out when you don't tell me things."
I am lacking so much in the emotional aspect of the relationship and I still can't promise you the future but for now, at this very moment, I love you.
Happy 5th anniversary. |
|
|
| my notebook. |
[Jan. 15th, 2010|02:00 am] |
The inner workings of my mind.
Good god, my handwriting is atrocious.
|
|
|
| one trillion. |
[Dec. 19th, 2009|01:54 am] |
One of these days you’ll be
under the covers you’ll be
under the table and you’ll realize
all of your days are numbered;
all of them one to one hundred.
All of them millions.
All of them trillions.
When you were young, naiveté takes over reality. You dreamt about what you wanted to be and the white picket fence surrounding your future house. The pool at the backyard, the masters degree certificate adorning the wall. And then when you grow up, reality slowly sucks the dream that you have... little by little... creeping behind you without you knowing. Before long, you would be slogging your life finishing thesis, going to work from dawn to dusk and the dream from childhood lay forgotten. We would live and work and love and then we die...
A little morbid isn't it? But then again, that is the harsh truth. You'll die, leaving your picket fences, qualifications, work, love, money and then slowly people will forget you. Slowly, they no longer mourn for your death, they continue on with their lives until they too, die.
Death is imminent. We cannot avoid it. Lately I have been fearing death. The prospect of growing old and dying. Growing old, sick and dying... that sent shivers down my spine.
|
|
|
| Dusk and summer. |
[Dec. 15th, 2009|01:47 am] |
She said, "no one is alone the way you are alone"
And you held her looser than you would have if you ever could have known
Some things tie your life together, slender threads and things to treasure
Days like that should last and last and last
Lately, I have nothing much to say. No feelings to let out, no holes to fill but just bouts of emptiness like as if i have been distancing myself from my feelings for far too long. I think I have been here before, holed up, not really here nor there, overwhelmed with nausea... and the occasional loneliness. Perhaps I secretly love feeling this way but this has to go. Maybe Chris Carrabba was right. "Some things tie your life together" and i can't run away from this. Again, speculations... but perhaps this emptiness ties and defines my life all together. Maybe that is the essence of my psyche; just barely enough, detached with feelings that comes in waves.
I want to look deep into you because it tells me that my emptiness is not the result of my life and that it is actually all in my head.
|
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Dec. 12th, 2009|03:00 pm] |
I cannot bask in love without wanting to puke.
Whats wrong with me?
ah musings... musings. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Dec. 2nd, 2009|12:31 am] |
I shouldn't have opened it.
Its like a freaking Pandora's box. The last one left me feeling hollow for weeks.
|
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Nov. 26th, 2009|01:47 am] |
I want Goyard Saint Louis GM so much that my stomach hurts.
|
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Nov. 6th, 2009|01:02 am] |
Black clouds.
xx lusting over Christopher Kane for Topshop crocodile dress.
xx and shoes.
xx and 08 Fall Winter Prada Mordore Tote |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Oct. 25th, 2009|01:31 am] |
I hate saturdays. All i usually do is to wake up extremely late, get through the day and pray for it to end as fast as possible. I can't begin to explain the reasons behind it for i don't know why but it probably has something to do with the sun and people. I feel empty on Saturdays.
and this is sad.
People would probably think im some deranged and disturbed sad kid just because i hate sunlight and Saturdays. Thats the problem really, they skim over the surface and judge without knowing why. Its simple, I hate sunlight because it hurts my eyes and I abhor Saturdays probably because its boring and its crowded everywhere.
there is always exceptions.
Today was a good day. Despite the ache from last night's debacle, I woke up early and cabbed to A's house. Lo and freaking behold, he cooked breakfast. Normally im not a breakfasty kinda person. My bedtime is usually 4am and i only have time to rush to school in the mornings and breakfast takes too much time that i don't have. All we did this morning was eating pancakes, downing strawberry tea like it was gods juice, sitting on his freaking awesome recliner and watch Travel & Living channel(I swear I could do nothing all day but watch Travel & Living while sipping on strawberry tea on the recliner). Then I fell asleep on said recliner. It was nice. I could see us doing the same thing in twenty years.
and then there was The Hurt Locker. 500 Days of Summer pales in comparison(I like Zooey Deschanel but the movie was just rubbish fluff)... 'nuff said. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Oct. 16th, 2009|11:52 pm] |
Last friday when people were out for dates and crap what was I doing? Reading up on Hamlet.
This friday when people were out for dates and crap what was I doing? Reading up on Hamlet.
KILL ME PLEASE.
That said, I have three 3K word thesis to finish.
Like Meyy said, "Drinking will not kill you, FYP will."
All I want to eat this week is ceasar salad and ice tea. Promise. oh and spend more time with Aamir. (note to self)
|
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Oct. 1st, 2009|12:06 am] |
me webcamming with sis's laptop sans make up, in dire need of coffee + a mental block that refuses to go away. ring up the school counsellor, i need help. hello, dark eye circles. |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Sep. 16th, 2009|09:41 pm] |
This marks the starting of FYP hell.
|
|
|
| AOH 09 |
[Sep. 8th, 2009|09:32 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | Linger - Cranberries | ] |
I think many people think im mad just because I have an unhealthy obsession with the Army. Sometimes I feel the need to have a shrink to tell me why, because I can't put the reason why im so obsessed, into words. The feeling of looking at men wearing uniform, men commanding over his platoon, men doing their jobs with upmost precision and discipline is indescribable and usually makes my legs feel like jelly. I like the way they talk with so much passion in their eyes, how they have this thing where they need to be punctual at all times or how everything has to be an absolute perfection.
The best ever memory I had of a man in uniform was when I was in a cab. He sat next to me, clad in his number 4s with his beret on his lap. I think it was a sunday, but what stood out most was the fact that it was very early in the morning and it was unusually cloudy. He had one hand on his lap and the other was interlaced with mine. He looked so determined and strong that I can't help but to feel safe. It was a quiet journey and it was at that moment when I fell in love with a man in uniform.
( Army Open House 2009 ) |
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Aug. 1st, 2009|01:02 am] |
I want to command+Z the last 14 hours.
|
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jul. 31st, 2009|01:24 am] |
wait one more.
done. now im empty.
|
|
|
| (no subject) |
[Jul. 31st, 2009|01:12 am] |
I haven't posted for ages.
Im excited = 9AUG.
and even more psyched about 14-16AUG staycation.
I conclude that I am going to start posting entries... twitter style.
Life is too short for long entries. |
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
allegraevenstar's journal
